THOUGHTS

WHY I’M NOT STUDYING

Well, my exams are in about two weeks and I’m doing everything in my power, in the midst of paralyzing fear of failure and very reliable procrastination skills, to avoid studying. Which is why I’m here, bringing to you the sequel to a previous PRE-EXAM RANT, which you can read here.

Let me give you an idea of how the exam pattern is, I have two papers for three subjects and two other papers for one subject each. So that gives me a total of skyrocketing anxiety plus weird body aches, and let’s not forget eight papers to prepare for. Which in turn makes me procrastinate more or lose motivation in about an hour of studying. That’s why, my friends, instead of being at the study table, I’m here, writing this rant-post.

Now, I may sound overdramatic, but let me tell you something. Out of the eight papers that I’m studying, I am interested in only two. Those two papers/subjects are the only ones that make me feel like what I’m doing or intend to do in the future is worthwhile. Those subjects make me happy, make me feel like I’m actually learning; like I’m grasping the point of what’s being taught to me.

But the other subjects, damn those subjects! I get how important it is to have overall knowledge but hey, consider this, how about I don’t learn about them after 14 years of learning about them and not having developed an interest in them. The first year of my bachelor degree, I did one paper per subject, realized the subject I want to major in and tried to begin work in a certain direction when Bam! Second-year gives me double the load with not a percent of justification. It’s like, here, study this because that’s how the system works. WHY?

Why cannot the system let me have two years of knowledge in the subject I want to major in? If they say it’s for us to explore other subjects and then decide for the third year, why do you decide who gets which subject based on their scores from the previous year in the first year itself?

The other subjects, the ones I do not like, are as heavy as the ones I like, sometimes more. And now I’m stuck doing those subjects, trying to make sense of what my brain denies to register and score well. WHY?

You know what the funny part is though? Although I’m ranting, angry at this system, frustrated by my workload, I feel guilty of having wasted time to write this blog, even when this blog is one of the most positive things in my life. I have an outlet here, but that is clouded by guilt right now, how sad is that?

And today when I log off, I’ll be angry and I’ll be studying because we’re short for alternatives. I’ll tell myself it’s worth it when/if I do well in my exams. If I do not, that’s a whole other thing! I mean…

But what do you do when you’re stuck in a sticky situation, you go through it. That’s what I’m going to do too. I’ll find some motivating quotes on Pinterest, talk to my best friend, cuss a bit and work on! I’ll try to work as hard as I can, so that maybe one day, I can work toward changing this system, make it more flexible. I cannot become a victim of the system. So here’s to hating exams but trying to learn; to finding ways to deal with stress, to hoping to do well, to finding hope.

How do you deal with exam stress? What methods do you use for studying? What subjects do you love? Tell me about it in the comments!!

Until next time,

Jessica Simons

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